A big issue for me right now is
my self-harm. It’s bad at the moment. Only 3 weeks ago did I have 27 stitches
in my arms and now I have 20. I’ve been doing it on my wrist too which is a
really dangerous area. Not just due to the fact you could hit an artery and
bleed out but because there are lots of nerves, tendons and ligaments in the
wrist. If I got one of them then I could permanently lose sensation and/or
movement in my hand. I am very lucky not to have done some permanent damage
already. Very very lucky. I did a really deep and big one on my left wrist the
other day and I am amazed how I didn’t do any internal damage. I don’t know how
to stop though. I really don’t. I get so angry at times and take it out on
myself. It’s the only way I know how to cope. I also like the aftercare aspect
of self-harm. Tending to wounds can be fairly therapeutic. I suppose in a way
my self-harm wounds are one of the few things that enables me to look after
myself. I like having a bandage on my arm too. Having something physical as a
symbol of all the invisible stuff that goes around in your head. It kind of
makes it more bearable.
But when the wounds heal you are
left with the mess that are scars. I have more than my fair share of scars and
they are hideous. I could not go out in public with my arms showing. I am not
looking forward to summer one bit, I never do. I have a love hate relationship
with self-harm. I just don’t know when this self-harm will end. Will it ever
end? Will it not end until I do some serious damage? Is that what it is going
to take to stop me, will that even stop me? Will I end up losing my arm? It scares me more that I will lose sensation
or movement in my hand or something even worse than it does that I may die. I really
need to sort out this self-harm problem because I cannot continue like I am. I am
just clueless as to what to do.
Brokenmind
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"Having something physical as a symbol of all the invisible stuff that goes around in your head. It kind of makes it more bearable."
ReplyDeleteYou've hit on something really key there. You say you don't know what to do: what you've got there is a perfectly, rational, logical reason for why you self-harm. It gets the crap out of your brain and into a space where you can see it and deal with it. The only problem is, the potential cost of that is serious injury or death.
With a therapist or counsellor, you can work out ways together of making your inner hurt tangible so you can 'see' it. Just writing this blog is a great first step. Having a blog has made a huge difference to me.