Relationships and Sexuality

This blog entry is going to be about relationships and sexuality . Very current issues for me that I feel I just need to write about. It could get very complicated so I apologise if it doesn’t make sense. But on the other hand you may be able to identify with some of it.

                Where to start? Well on Tuesday I met up with this guy from facebook I've talked on and off with for a few years. I agreed to meet him because I was very elated in mood and needed to do something and all my friends were unavailable. We met in town for a few drinks and he was really lovely. Several pints and jagerbombs later we headed back to my house. He really was a nice guy, not your typical sort of guy. Very caring and understanding. He knew a little bit about the fact I have mental health issues but when we met and after a few drinks I was more open about my mental health. I told him I have borderline personality disorder but he didn’t know much about it. I also told him I self-harm. He told me he has suffered with depression in the past and that he used to self harm too. Back at my house we chilled out and we got on really well. We ended up having sex. Probably shouldn’t have but we did.

A while after I self harmed quite badly because of many reasons really. I felt guilty, angry and confused to name a few of the emotions.  Thing is I have no interest in sex whatsoever. I don’t like it and it doesn’t bother me for having it. I have never engaged in a sexual experience in my life unless when I have been drunk. Even then it’s because I’ve got off with some guy or girl and I just give it them because I know it is what they want. I couldn’t do it sober. I do not enjoy it either and I feel like I am just going through the motions so to speak.

I was angry and confused about it because of the whole sexuality thing. I know I am not straight but I don’t know if I am bisexual, lesbian or even asexual. People tell me it is ok to be unsure but I have this need to know. I think this stems from having the need to be secure with my identity. I think I am lucky for someone with BPD due to the fact I am secure with many aspects of my identity with sexuality being the exception. My CPN suggested today that the need of needing to know is down to the black and white thinking that occurs with BPD. I am or I am not and there is no middle ground. My sexuality is a really big issue at the moment and something I am struggling with a lot.  I have made an appointment with the lesbian and bisexual worker to from this women’s organisation I have recently started attending to discuss it. I probably still will not get any answers but it will probably good for me to talk about it. When I was in hospital I decided one day I was a lesbian. I told my psychologist who thought it was a massive thing. But since leaving hospital in November I’ve had a few experiences with men and I don’t know what it is all about. To say I am confused about everything isn’t enough. But why do I have this overwhelming need to know and be sure? If I was giving advice to someone in a similar position I would tell them it is OK to be unsure but for me I just really need to know.

Another issue for me right now is whether I want to get in a relationship with the said guy. He seems to be really interested in me which brings up issues alone. I hate myself so much that I cannot understand why anyone would like me. It confuses me. I’ve only ever had one relationship in the past which was with another woman and it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Things got very intense very quickly and then I suddenly went from liking her a lot to hating her.  I felt trapped by the end and felt like I had lost part of who I was due to spending too much time together. It was only a brief relationship of about 6 weeks but boy was it intense. I don’t know if I could put myself through that again. It could have disastrous consequences. But then again it could be fine, it could do me good but I don’t know if it is a risk I am willing to take.  One other issue too; I don’t even know if I want to be with a guy!  Things are just so confusing for me right now and it is really making me hate myself and be angry with myself. I suppose its frustration of the not knowing and not knowing what to do. I had a good chat with my CPN today about some of these issues. I didn’t resolve anything but it was good to talk.

Brokenmind

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