Hospital Part 1: How i Ended Up There

So I ended up in hospital again. Here is how the story goes.

                On Friday the 9^th of March I had a CPA. It left me feeling all emotional and horrible. I decided I was going to take an overdose so I went and bought 100 paracetamol. I came home and waited a while before I started taking the paracetamol. I was sick after swallowing 10 due to the fact I have taken paracetamol overdoses in the past and my body can’t hack them. But I persevered. I took a further 30 paracetamol before I was sick again. It was a horrible experience as I kept retching but I was determined. I was really quite distressed at the time. I didn’t want to die I just wanted to make myself really ill like I have been in the past when I have taken paracetamol. After being sick for the 2^nd time I gave in as it just wasn’t working. I turned to cutting myself instead. Then my housing manager was at my door and she saw my self-harm. She came in my flat and I told her I had attempted an overdose. She phoned for an ambulance. I hid my razorblade in my pocket as I hadn’t finished yet. Next thing I know 2 police officers turn up at my flat.

                They came in my flat and I refused to go to hospital. I then slashed at my arm again. The police officers jumped on me and removed the razorblade and placed me in handcuffs. They arrested me for breach of the peace. They called for back up and about 5 minutes later a further 3 police officers turned up. I was still refusing to go to hospital so they decided they would call for a police van. The police van turned up and I was escorted outside. My neighbours were watching as I was dragged out in handcuffs.  I was placed in the back of the police van but I started banging my head on the cage so they jumped inside and restrained me. They decided they would stay in the back of the van with me. They blue lighted me to A&E. That was an experience. We were flying all over the place. Later in hospital one of the officers said it was one of the worst experiences he had had.

                When we got to A&E I tried to throw myself out of the van but they caught me. I refused to go inside so they dragged me in kicking and screaming. There were 6 police officers with me but they soon cut it down to 3. 2 males for restraint and 1 female because apparently they had to have a female. We waited a while before we were seen. I calmed down a little so they put my handcuffs to the front and they took me out for a cigarette. During which one police officer said I was the most normal mad person he had come across. When I needed the toilet I had to have the female officer come in with me and she had to pull down and then up my trousers due to the fact I was in handcuffs. Very degrading indeed. We waited ages to be seen and in the meantime I kept getting distressed again and ended up with the handcuffs to the back. They moved them to the front again when the nurse came to sterri-strip my arm.  Then the doctor came to do my bloods. When she had finished she left the needle in my arm while she went to get a plaster. Due to the fact they had doubled up my handcuffs I had a bit of movement available so I grabbed the needle out of my arm. The officers jumped on me and did some kind of pushing me in the face to get me to drop it. Once again my handcuffs were placed behind me where they stayed until I was taken to the police station. They said I was too much of a risk. My bloods came back OK due to the fact I had thrown all the paracetamol up so I was taken to the police station as a place of safety. We were at A&E 5 hours and all together I spent about 6 hours in handcuffs. My wrists were sore for days after and I had bruising.

                When we arrived at the police station I had to remove most of the stuff I had on including my piercings. A photograph was taken of me and I was lead to a cell. The cell door was left open and 2 police officers and the female detention officers sat outside. It was horrible being in a police cell, I’ve never been in one before. All that was in there was some thin mats and a toilet. I got distressed and started banging my head against the wall. I was handcuffed again and placed in leg restraints for about 30 minutes until I calmed down. The custody nurse came to see me and asked a few questions. Then about 2 hours later a mental health nurse from the single point of access team came to assess me. He basically said that I needed hospital and if I didn’t agree to go in informally he would request a mental health act assessment. I always said I wouldn’t go into hospital again but after some distress and thinking I agreed to an informal admission due to the fact the mental health act assessment wouldn’t take place until the morning and I didn’t want to stay in the police cells all night. I was really annoyed though.

The only bed available was at the big hospital in a far away town which annoyed me further. After a short wait I was taken in a police van to the hospital. It took about 40 minutes. I arrived at the hospital at around 5.30am after no sleep all night. So that is how I ended up in hospital. It was a hellish experience and writing it has made me quite anxious. A post will follow about what happened in hospital as it is too much to write this and then that in one go.

Brokenmind

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Self-harm

A big issue for me right now is my self-harm. It’s bad at the moment. Only 3 weeks ago did I have 27 stitches in my arms and now I have 20. I’ve been doing it on my wrist too which is a really dangerous area. Not just due to the fact you could hit an artery and bleed out but because there are lots of nerves, tendons and ligaments in the wrist. If I got one of them then I could permanently lose sensation and/or movement in my hand. I am very lucky not to have done some permanent damage already. Very very lucky. I did a really deep and big one on my left wrist the other day and I am amazed how I didn’t do any internal damage. I don’t know how to stop though. I really don’t. I get so angry at times and take it out on myself. It’s the only way I know how to cope. I also like the aftercare aspect of self-harm. Tending to wounds can be fairly therapeutic. I suppose in a way my self-harm wounds are one of the few things that enables me to look after myself. I like having a bandage on my arm too. Having something physical as a symbol of all the invisible stuff that goes around in your head. It kind of makes it more bearable.

But when the wounds heal you are left with the mess that are scars. I have more than my fair share of scars and they are hideous. I could not go out in public with my arms showing. I am not looking forward to summer one bit, I never do. I have a love hate relationship with self-harm. I just don’t know when this self-harm will end. Will it ever end? Will it not end until I do some serious damage? Is that what it is going to take to stop me, will that even stop me? Will I end up losing my arm?  It scares me more that I will lose sensation or movement in my hand or something even worse than it does that I may die. I really need to sort out this self-harm problem because I cannot continue like I am. I am just clueless as to what to do.

Brokenmind

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Relationships and Sexuality

This blog entry is going to be about relationships and sexuality . Very current issues for me that I feel I just need to write about. It could get very complicated so I apologise if it doesn’t make sense. But on the other hand you may be able to identify with some of it.

                Where to start? Well on Tuesday I met up with this guy from facebook I've talked on and off with for a few years. I agreed to meet him because I was very elated in mood and needed to do something and all my friends were unavailable. We met in town for a few drinks and he was really lovely. Several pints and jagerbombs later we headed back to my house. He really was a nice guy, not your typical sort of guy. Very caring and understanding. He knew a little bit about the fact I have mental health issues but when we met and after a few drinks I was more open about my mental health. I told him I have borderline personality disorder but he didn’t know much about it. I also told him I self-harm. He told me he has suffered with depression in the past and that he used to self harm too. Back at my house we chilled out and we got on really well. We ended up having sex. Probably shouldn’t have but we did.

A while after I self harmed quite badly because of many reasons really. I felt guilty, angry and confused to name a few of the emotions.  Thing is I have no interest in sex whatsoever. I don’t like it and it doesn’t bother me for having it. I have never engaged in a sexual experience in my life unless when I have been drunk. Even then it’s because I’ve got off with some guy or girl and I just give it them because I know it is what they want. I couldn’t do it sober. I do not enjoy it either and I feel like I am just going through the motions so to speak.

I was angry and confused about it because of the whole sexuality thing. I know I am not straight but I don’t know if I am bisexual, lesbian or even asexual. People tell me it is ok to be unsure but I have this need to know. I think this stems from having the need to be secure with my identity. I think I am lucky for someone with BPD due to the fact I am secure with many aspects of my identity with sexuality being the exception. My CPN suggested today that the need of needing to know is down to the black and white thinking that occurs with BPD. I am or I am not and there is no middle ground. My sexuality is a really big issue at the moment and something I am struggling with a lot.  I have made an appointment with the lesbian and bisexual worker to from this women’s organisation I have recently started attending to discuss it. I probably still will not get any answers but it will probably good for me to talk about it. When I was in hospital I decided one day I was a lesbian. I told my psychologist who thought it was a massive thing. But since leaving hospital in November I’ve had a few experiences with men and I don’t know what it is all about. To say I am confused about everything isn’t enough. But why do I have this overwhelming need to know and be sure? If I was giving advice to someone in a similar position I would tell them it is OK to be unsure but for me I just really need to know.

Another issue for me right now is whether I want to get in a relationship with the said guy. He seems to be really interested in me which brings up issues alone. I hate myself so much that I cannot understand why anyone would like me. It confuses me. I’ve only ever had one relationship in the past which was with another woman and it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Things got very intense very quickly and then I suddenly went from liking her a lot to hating her.  I felt trapped by the end and felt like I had lost part of who I was due to spending too much time together. It was only a brief relationship of about 6 weeks but boy was it intense. I don’t know if I could put myself through that again. It could have disastrous consequences. But then again it could be fine, it could do me good but I don’t know if it is a risk I am willing to take.  One other issue too; I don’t even know if I want to be with a guy!  Things are just so confusing for me right now and it is really making me hate myself and be angry with myself. I suppose its frustration of the not knowing and not knowing what to do. I had a good chat with my CPN today about some of these issues. I didn’t resolve anything but it was good to talk.

Brokenmind

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My Short Stay in Hospital

My CPN suggested I write a blog about the past week’s events when she came to see me. However I really wasn’t up to it. I am going to try and write it now as I have time to kill and I don’t know what to do with myself otherwise. On Saturday night I got drunk and I felt so low I came home and took an overdose of amitriptyline and chlorpromazine.  After I was declared medically fit by the hospital I was seen by the crisis team Sunday evening. It was the same nurse as I had seen Saturday. She said my thumb was firmly pressed on the self destruct button and that the only option left was hospital. She said I either agree to go as an informal patient or she would request a mental health act assessment. I was still fairly sedated from the overdose and didn’t have the energy to fight so I agreed to go in as an informal patient. I had to wait a bit on the ward before a bed was found. The bed that came up was in the furthest away hospital that is covered by my trust. I was transferred there by ambulance and it was a good 50 minutes away. I had nothing with me except the clothes I had on my back.

                When I arrived it was the usual admission stuff of seeing psychiatrist etc and I went to bed as still sedated from overdose. The day after I was basically left on my own in my room. Nobody came to talk to me; I was just left laying in bed feeling really shit. Around teatime I decided I couldn’t cope with this and asked to leave. They said they had to get the doctor to see me first. I waited for the doctor for a couple of hours. When I saw the doctor I told him I wanted to leave. He said I couldn’t as I wasn’t safe. We argued and I walked off. I went to the exit of the ward and booted the door out of frustration.  I was told I had now been detained. This was for 72 hours and I later learned it was a section 5 (2) which is known as a doctors holding power.  I was angry that I had been detained as I had only got off a 2 year section less than 4 months ago. I went to my room and punched the wall and banged my head a few times as well as punching myself in the face. The charge nurse came and offered me PRN medication but I was unwilling to co-operate with them.        

                After some time of bashing around my room I went to the exit of the ward and started kicking the door. I also put my head through one of the glass panels of the door. I was restrained and dragged to my room where they give me 2 intra-muscular injections; one of lorazepam and the other of haloperidol. I had totally lost control of myself. I had a piece of glass stuck in my head and blood down my face. One of the nurses removed the glass and cleaned my head.  In time I calmed down and they released their hold on me. They told me they would offer me more medication later and if I refused then they would just force me to have it by intra-muscular injection. Again I was left to my own devices in my room without having the opportunity to talk to anybody. Later they offered me more medication and not wanting to be injected again I took it orally. My sister brought me some stuff later on that evening which was a relief as I had been stuck in the same clothes since Saturday, it was now Monday.

                The day after they told me they would remove the section if I agreed to be moved to another ward in another town closer to home. I agreed. All day I was left waiting around wondering when I would be moved. About 6 o clock they came and told me I couldn’t be moved today as the other ward was too chaotic but that there was a bed waiting for me and I would go tomorrow. I was fed up again and asked to leave. The doctor said the same; I would be sectioned again if I didn’t agree to stay. So reluctantly I agreed to stay. The morning after I was moved to the other ward. The other ward was the same. They just left you in your room and ignored you so I requested to leave as I couldn’t cope with it all. This time the doctor listened to me when I said I wasn’t suicidal or going to hurt myself and he said I could leave. I felt huge relief. I think I lasted about 4 hours on this ward before I left. I was given 2 haloperidol to take with me. My sister came and picked me up and took me home. I was so happy to be out of hospital as I couldn’t hack it in there. The whole time I was in I didn’t eat so I got a mc Donald’s on the way home. I was glad to be home but the whole experience had left me feeling uneasy. I will never go into hospital as an informal patient again. You really aren’t there voluntarily as they do not let you go and threaten to section you. I found it more stressful than being under section. If they want me in hospital again then they will have to section me.

Brokenmind

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