Do I Have Anti-Social Personality Disorder?

So do I have anti-social personality disorder? According to the IPDE (international personality disorder examination) I do. I did this while in hospital and it came back that I have a definite diagnosis of ASPD. There are 3 results for each PD within the IPDE; negative, probable and definite diagnosis. I got the definite diagnosis but I find this hard to believe. It just doesn’t fit. I had a hard time accepting this in hospital. Immediately after my results from the psychiatrist I ended up in restraint and then in general hospital after ingesting hair removal cream. I didn’t take it well. So therefore I am going to breakdown the criteria then make my conclusion on whether I think I have ASPD. After all I know myself better than anyone else. I wonder what I will conclude.

There are 2 types of ASPD the DSM version which is ASPD and the ICD version called dissocial personality disorder. I will start with the DSM.

DSM-Iv

A)     There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:

1.       Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

Ok so in my life time I have committed a crime, who hasn’t? I wouldn’t say I repeatedly engage in acts that are grounds for arrest. The crimes I have committed are minor; possession of cannabis and occasionally a few other drugs, criminal damage and weapon carrying. These are all on my criminal record and I’ve been done for them. Cautions for possession of cannabis and criminal damage and a 12 month conditional discharge for possession of an offensive weapon. However except for the cannabis possession (which I can’t really blame my mental health for, or can I?) I committed these crimes because I was mentally unwell for other reasons. I have 2 cautions for criminal damage. The first being while living in halls and “losing it” and smashing the place up. The second for smashing the ward up while I was under section. Yes that’s right I was detainable at the time and therefore mentally unwell. So wouldn’t these acts of crime be due to my other personality disorder (BPD)?

2.       Deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;

This is not me at all. I am a very honest person. Often too honest for my own good. I’ve never used an alias and I’ve never conned others for personal profit or pleasure.

3.       Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead;

Well yes I am impulsive. I cannot argue with that. But isn’t impulsiveness a criteria for BPD?

4.       Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;

I get mildly irritable at times, nothing major. I have been aggressive in the past this was mainly whilst in hospital. I was mentally unwell due to other reasons at the time and was releasing anger that had built up over my entire life. In normal situations I am not aggressive at all. I had one fight, if that’s what you can call it, at school and one in hospital with a fellow patient. I also “assaulted” another patient in hospital. But again was that because I was unwell for other reasons other than ASPD?

5.       Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

This is a weird one. In some situations, yes. In everyday situations I am very conscious of my safety and of others. I sometimes neglect my safety in other ways such as self-harm, overdoses, drinking, taking drugs etc. Again could this not be down to my BPD.

6.       Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work     behavior or honor financial obligations;

Well basically I can agree with this. This fits. I cannot argue.

7.       Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another;

I suppose this can be me. Not the stealing bit though. But I hate to admit it but at times I do have a lack of remorse. If I am brutally honest I sometimes fake remorse in order to make myself feel better about myself because I know it is very cold of me. Not always though, I can genuinely be remorseful sometimes.

B)      The individual is at least age 18 years.

Well yes I am 24

C)      There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 16 years.

I was never diagnosed with conduct disorder when I was younger. But from what I know about it there is a possibility I had it. I was a very naughty teenager, I constantly was getting into trouble and I had a serious problem with authority.

D)     The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode.

I do not have schizophrenia nor have I ever been manic

ICD-10

The World Health Organization's International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, tenth edition (ICD-10), defines a conceptually similar disorder to antisocial personality disorder called (F60.2) Dissocial personality disorder.

It is characterized by at least 3 of the following:              

1.       Callous unconcern for the feelings of others

Not really no. maybe at times but I wouldn’t say it’s callous.

2.       Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations.

Maybe. Occasionally. But to what extent would a disregard for social norms be? Maybe I could fit into this criterion in a minor way. I wouldn’t say I did in an extreme way and not in a way that causes me problems and definitely not gross and persistent.

3.       Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them

No, I have friends. Some of them I’ve had for years, since I was a young child. Romantic relationships are another story but I don’t think it necessarily means romantic ones.

4.       Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.

Pretty much the same criterion as DSM. At times yes, although maybe this is when I’m mentally unwell due to other things.

5.       Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.

Yes. I cannot argue with this. I never learn from experience.

6.       Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.

Not necessarily prone to blame others but I do rationalize my negative behaviors.

So there we have it, the criteria for both ASPD and DPD. I will now conclude.

ASPD

The first criterion states I must meet 3 of the 7 sub criteria. I can only say for certain I meet 2. A few others are borderline or slight. I meet the second criterion being that I am over 24. The 3^rd is evidence of conduct disorder before 18. This is a possibility although I was never diagnosed. The 4^th criterion is the absence of schizophrenia or manic episode. I meet that one. So therefore I cannot be diagnosed with ASPD as I only meet 2 of the 3 needed sub-criteria for criterion A.

DPD

I can only say I meet 1 of the criterion for definite for DPD. Others again are borderline or slight. Therefore I cannot be diagnosed with DPD.

In hospital I did a bit of psycho-education. What I learnt is that a personality disorder must be problematic, persistent and pervasive (the 3 P’s). None of the criteria above are really problematic, persistent or pervasive. So that further goes against a diagnosis of ASPD or DPD.

According to my own little diagnosis thing that I’ve done here I do not have ASPD or DPD. A friend once told me in hospital that if you have ever committed a crime then it’s easy for them to label you with ASPD. How reliable is the IPDE? I must admit I don’t really trust the results of my IPDE. This is because I did mine with the nurse therapist in hospital. Apparently she was trained in conducting them but she was a pretty useless nurse. I know for a fact if I did it again my results would be different. But whatever labels they would like to give me I don’t really care. I will not let them define me. From doing this I have realised how stupid diagnosis’ can be. How can you condemn someone to such a negative diagnosis through a set of bullshit criteria? What do half the criteria actually mean anyway? It’s all subjective anyway. None of it can be concrete. One psychiatrist’s opinion will vary from another. Diagnoses are basically unreliable.

What do you think?

Brokenmind

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Hospital Overview (part 2)

Ok so time for part 2 of my hospital blog. It took me a while to get around to writing it.

On the 10^th of May 2010 I was transferred from the PICU to a private hospital. I was placed on a specialist personality disorder unit. I remember having high expectations of the place but I was majorly disappointed when I arrived. There wasn’t much to it to be honest, I walked on to the ward into this really crappy looking communal area. I was shown to my room and I remember thinking where is the rest of it? It was a very small and claustrophobic place. I was immediately placed on 1:1 observations so they could monitor me to see how I was settling in. I’d never been on 1:1s before except briefly after periods in seclusion at my last hospital. I was on 1:1s for 3 days which I didn’t mind so much because I was scared about the other patients around me as I didn’t know them. It was hell this new hospital. There was nothing to do, so many people to get used to and it was much stricter. We could only smoke once every 2 hours and I spent most my time laying on my bed staring at the wall counting down to the next cigarette time. I will never forget how hellish it was those first few months. I was numb from risperidone as it was but the place numbed me out further.

                I immediately got a solicitor to help me challenge my section and everyday I obsessed over getting out, it was all I could ever think about. Hate is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt about the place. I felt like I was trapped in hell. A couple of months went by and one day I got my results from the staff grade psychiatrist on the IPDE (international personality disorder examination). I received a definite diagnosis for borderline, avoidant and anti-social personality disorders along with “traits” of schizoid personality disorder. I had a very big problem with the anti-social personality disorder diagnosis. I started to obsess over the fact I was a psychopath as I thought that is what it meant. I went to my room afterwards and lost it. I ended up in restraint. I felt so terribly guilty afterwards that I really wanted to hurt myself. I sat in my bathroom and noticed my hair removal cream. I ingested some of it. I’m not sure how because it was vile but I guess it shows what state of mind I was in. My lips swelled and my throat burned and I was taken to general hospital by ambulance. I was escorted by 3 nurses, a bit excessive if you ask me but then again that hospital was always excessive. I spent the night in hospital for observations after a clear chest x-ray and made numerous attempts to run away. The day after I was taken back to the ward.

                My first tribunal occurred in august, I was unsuccessful. A couple months went by and I was taken of my risperidone. I suddenly started to feel again. I was high practically all of the time. I went from being a quiet, shy and introverted patient to exceptionally loud and extroverted. I danced, sang and was generally “off on one” around the ward. But the crash had to come and it did. On our way out to cigarette time I a bit too overenthusiastically booted the office door. I was informed I wouldn’t be able to go out for this cigarette. I lost it ended up in restraint. Later on I started stabling myself with a pen and ended up in restraint again. I ended up on 2:1 observations for my own and others protection. This was the first time I had ever been “line of sight” in the bathroom. It is the most degrading thing to experience. People watching you take a shit and having a shower. It was December by this time and I remained off and on 2:1 observations throughout the month and into January. I remember being so fucked up in my head I once cried out for my mum to rescue me. The nurses doped me up on clopixol and lorazepam even though it was PRN and oral they insisted I took it. I had some Pringles wrapped up from my mother for Christmas which I somehow got through as they were contraband. I self harmed with the metal base, it cut like a fine razor. I was very messed up during this period. I think probably my worst period of mental instability. I could write a lot more of what happened but I think I have written enough.

                As I came out of this period I started to progress quite quickly. I think being so low in December made me put things in perspective. I was doing so well I got my section 17 escorted leave back. I had another tribunal at the end of January and was once against unsuccessful however they did make a recommendation for “shadowed leave” which should progress onto unescorted leave. The shadowed leave went well and by May I was granted unescorted leave. The place was still hell and I wanted out but it was slightly more bearable now I could get out on my own. My unescorted leave increased relatively quickly for that hospital which was notorious for being overly cautious. I had a few “incidents” over the months but nothing major. I had another tribunal set for the end of august but due to lack of accommodation me and my solicitor decided to ask for an adjournment until this was sorted. It was adjourned until 4^th of November. Luckily a couple of weeks before my tribunal I was accepted for accommodation. I was told I could move in on the 7^th of November. At my section 117 meeting my consultant agreed to discharge me on the 7^th anyway so I cancelled my tribunal.

                That was basically my time spent on the personality disorder unit. I could write forever about all the stuff that happened and such but this is just a brief overview with the important bits. I’m sure in time I will probably blog about certain incidents. Boring this post I know.

Brokenmind

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Collection of Poems

I've just sorted out some poems to email the guy who runs my creative writing group. These are for the book they publish annually. I thought while i had copied and pasted these to email i mights as well make a blog post out of them too. Some are old and some are new. I wonder if you can guess which are old and which new? Hope you enjoy :)

Detained

What was I doing there?

I didn’t commit any crime

But I was still locked up

I was doing time.

But it was not a prison

It was a hospital so they say

But I was still being punished

Every single day.

You cannot do this

You cannot do that

You cannot stand

You must be sat.

They told you when to sleep

When to smoke, eat and drink

So many rules

I struggled to think.

You cannot have your possessions

We must lock them away

This is for your safety

They repeatedly did say.

It is such a relief

That I am now free

I can now move on

And go back to being me.

Caged

There was a rabbit

Kept in his cage

And it’s not unreasonable

He sometimes felt rage.

Because even though

He was always fed

And provided for him

Was a nice warm bed.

There were always people

Around him to care

But to be caged

He felt wasn’t fair.

What he wanted

And need so much

Was the outside world

For him to touch.

He wanted to feel

The nice warm sun

And wildly and freely

He wanted to run.

For every day

He was kept locked away

In mental torment

He did stay.

Imprisoned Within

There is a person I’d like you meet

A person that one day in real life you could great.

This person is strong, confident and smart

Caring, compassionate with a great big heart.

Well adjusted and well expressed

A peoples person self confessed.

Up for a challenge, she’ll do her best

She’ll stop at nothing in her quest.

Motivated to reach her goal

Good at exercising self-control.

Fighting hard at what she believes

And the impossible she does achieve.

However there is sadness in the tale

But one that hopefully the goodness shall prevail.

This person is trapped, a slave to fear

And the path to freedom isn’t so clear.

Locked in the dark with so little light

But to escape the madness is her plight.

Bodiless, she is trapped in my mind

And her way to the real world she needs to find.

Oppressed and battered by menacing thought

The paranoia, the anger she takes the onslaught.

The odds of her arrival are not in her favour

But she will continue to fight, carrying on being braver.

One day the walls will be all knocked down

And the rightful person can take her crown.

She will live the life she so rightly deserves

One full of laughter no regrets or reserves.

A Shrine to the Fallen

My mind is a battlefield

Dark, cold and distant

Chaotic and lethal

Total destruction

Deadly.

Deadly

Frenzied attack

Death becomes all

No opportunity of flight

Isolated in the darkest night.

My thoughts are the soldiers

Each for their own

No united front

Ruthless tactics

Merciless.

Merciless

Truce forbidden

Increasing in pressure

Nothing left to slaughter

Just an empty shell remains.

Scars

Lines of faded white
intertwined with darkened red
The physical evidence
Of all that is wrong within my head.

As I have sat and I have etched
The lines into my arm
A release of all my pain
As blood trickles to my palm.

A short lived release
Leaves scars that never fade
A brief moment of relief
But another mess I have made.

A constant reminder
Of my darkest despair
Me and my scars
A darkened affair.

My Bloody Suicide

This is my existence
Ended by the knife
Blood spills and splatters
To end my stupid life.

As here i lay dying
My short life passes through my eyes
Hurt, upset and anger
Broken promises and lies.

Death is upon me
And My soul starts to fade
For all the sins i commited
With my life i have paid

Here i am now
No longer realistic
Destined to be
Just Another statistic

Blood stained blue skin
Eyes shut and body cold
I am gone
And my story is told

There is nothing

Left to hide
This is my
Bloody suicide.

Misery

I can't escape this misery
It's taking over me
Skewing my perception
No future left to see.

I can't escape this misery
It's started to eat my soul
Feeding parasitically
Now i'm no longer whole.

I can't escape this misery
That daily plagues my mind
To a future of happiness
It's succeeded to make me blind.

I can't escape this misery
That lingers everyday
Suicide is an option
If it continues to have it's way.
 

Brokenmind

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A Poem I Wrote Last Night

I wrote this poem last night to express how i felt. Poetry has always been something i have done to help me express myself when other ways fail. I hope to share more of my poetry on this blog but i have only just started it so bare with me. I had an appointment with my CPN today and i showed her this. She said it was sad. Comments would be appreciated thanks :)

Misery

I can't escape this misery
It's taking over me
Skewing my perception
No future left to see.

I can't escape this misery
It's started to eat my soul
Feeding parasitically
Now i'm no longer whole.

I can't escape this misery
That daily plagues my mind
To a future of happiness
It's succeeded to make me blind.

I can't escape this misery
That lingers everyday
Suicide is an option
If it continues to have it's way.

Brokenmind

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Unhappiness

I am desperately unhappy. Unhappy with myself, with my situation and with life in general. I hate who I am and what I’ve become. I am angry, mainly with myself but at others too. How could I let myself get into this situation? How could others put me in this situation? I fucking hate everything but I think it’s more about unhappiness than hate.

                What am I unhappy about you might ask? I am unhappy about my existence and who I am now. I live in this flat on my own, I am a nobody, I have no identity, I am stuck in this post-hospital limbo and this makes me sad. The only thing that makes me feel better is spending money I haven’t earned and don’t deserve. I am going nowhere, everything is a mess and I don’t know what to do. Well maybe I have ideas but hospital has made me such a pathetic person who is so scared to do things.

Sometimes I wonder I wonder if I would be better off how I used to be before hospital. I know things were one big chaotic mess but I felt different. I can’t decide if how I feel about things now is better or worse than how I felt before hospital. Perhaps I am forgetting how bad things were before hospital but I feel there is part of me missing now. I feel different. I think one of my main issues is my lack of identity. Even though I was a shit student and everything was messed up, I was a student. To people who didn’t know me well this made me something. I felt I was something. Now I am a nothing, a nobody. I have the negative label of having 2 years spent under section and I live of welfare benefits.  I hate it, it makes me so unhappy.

How do I get out of this situation when now I am so fearful of everything? I sometimes wonder whether death is the only way out. Although now I don’t think I could end my life myself, my courage for things like that has gone. So therefore I am trapped. Last night while I was wasted I spoke a little bit about my unhappiness to my friend, she didn’t realise how I felt. The last time I saw one of my CPNs I tried explaining but I don’t think she quite got it. Things are messed up with my CPNs which don’t help. I really don’t know where I stand with them and I’ve had no support in the last 2 weeks. It’s these last 2 weeks when my unhappiness has got worse and I have had nobody to discuss it with. Having 2 CPNs is difficult because you never have regular appointments and until they call you you’ve no idea when you are seeing them next. Then they fob you off with the fact they have been busy and don’t see you for 2 weeks. Come on guys I’ve been out of hospital little over 2 months I really think I deserve more. I am going on a tangent here. My lack of CPN support and the fact I feel let down isn’t really the issue here. 

What is the issue is that I feel so unhappy and trapped in this rubbish situation. I don’t understand how I can move on from this. I feel my life is ruined after having being detained for 2 years. It’s my fault too or maybe is it the fault of this fucked up mental health system? I switch between blaming myself and blaming others. I really wish I had a gun and some courage or maybe I wish I could erase the past 5 years of my life and start over. Any of those options I would be happy with because it sure as hell beats all of this shit.

Brokenmind

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Hospital Overview (part 1)

When I was first in hospital I was in an open unit. On my second day I jumped over the back fence and went and stood in the park opposite V’s office. This also happened to be next to a police station and after a while they became suspicious and quizzed me. I confessed and was taken back. Ridiculously because I was a sectioned patient I was searched and thrown in a police van despite my compliance. 2 days later in my totally fucked up state of mind I "assaulted" a fellow patient by throwing a jug of water over her. i had my reasons, it wasn't unprovoked. An hour later 2 nurses came to my room and said I was being moved. I didn’t want to so I walked out of my room. From nowhere 2 police officers pounced on me and threw me into a wall, I banged my head hard and then they dragged me to the floor. They restrained me and cuffed me. I was in hysterics by this stage from the sheer shock of it.  I will never forget this, it was very traumatic. From the floor I was dragged through the locked down unit and in to the back of the police van. I was moved to the secure psychiatric intensive care unit.

Looking back the PICU was a very good ward. Absolutely brilliant staff, I cannot rate them highly enough. I was a bugger though, I was a very angry person. I repeatedly smashed things up; windows, doors etc and was repeatedly in and out of restraint, seclusion and getting injections in my bum. Seclusion usually lasted a few hours but I did a couple of overnight stints the longest being 26 hours. Seclusion always consisted of the same sequence of events. At first I would be angry and shouted about the unfairness of it and I would bang my head against the wall and kick and hit things. Then I would become really upset and cry my eyes out.  I absconded a few times too. I ran away whilst on section 17 leave. I went and got drunk with my uni friends until the police took me back. That was fun. Can you tell I didn’t take my detention seriously?

I had good relationships with quite a few of the nurses here. But one will always stick in my mind. He was called A. A was really funny, he could have done stand up but on the other hand he was excellent to talk with. A always had time for me, he taught me how to play a card game called speculate to accumulate (A.K.A gin rummy). He mostly beat me but I always beat him at my game which was shit head. We played pool together often as well, he always beat me at that too. Other times we would sit and smoke together and talk or I would read him my poems. It’s quite strange I got on so well with a male, but it was a really healthy and therapeutic relationship and I will never forget him. Another relationship I had with a nurse was with K. It wasn’t so healthy though and was a little along the lines of my relationship with V my CPN. I craved her attention so much and loved it when me and her watched DVDs together late at night and when she was caring towards me. If I had been there much longer I may have fallen in love with her too, like I did with V.

There were bad times in the PICU, really bad times where I seriously struggled to contain my emotions but there were good times too. Times I look back to and smile about. It was an extremely nurturing environment which is something I had craved for a long time. The staff that worked there were amongst the nicest and most caring people I have ever come across and I will probably struggle to come across a bunch of people like them again. Sometimes when I feel crap I wish I could go back there and while i was on the personality disorder unit I constantly wished I was back there. So that’s basically my brief time spent on an open unit and then the PICU in a nutshell. If im honest I couldn’t think of a better place to have spent that period of illness than in the PICU.

Part 2 will be about my time spent at the private hospital on the personality disorder unit.

Brokemind

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The day i was sectioned

This is something I wrote on my laptop a month or so ago. I thought i would share.

I had been an informal patient on a psyc assessment unit for 3 days after self harming. This particular day I had a meeting, in this meeting they told me they were discharging me. They said V would no longer be my cpn and that the crisis team would see me for a few days.  Well taking V off me felt like the end of the world, I just flipped. Also at the fact of seeing crisis team as they were one of the reasons I self harmed in the first place and ended up in hospital. I flipped and flew into a rage. I walked out the room ripped of my bandages, I then proceeded to go into the garden and rub mud into my very open wounds. I walked out off the ward and out the hospital in a rage. What was going through my mind? Well I thought I couldn’t cope without V, I wanted to die, the feeling was intense, probably the most intense feeling I have ever felt. I was angry, angrier than ever before. The Humber Bridge was my only thought. I set of there. I stopped at the shop for some cigarettes, I’ll never forget the look on the shopkeepers face when I handed my money over with my mud smothered wounds on show. The walk was about 5-6 miles. I was tired from not sleeping, I was thirsty from not drinking, but I kept going. I kept the bridge focussed in my mind. How that when I get there I will be free. This was the final straw. When I got there I had a cigarette to calm me down. I tried to think clearly but I couldn’t. My head was a mess, I needed V, but she was gone. Then my phone started ringing, it was someone from the community mental health team suggesting I see the crisis team. It was beyond that, much beyond that. I said no and hung up. I was on the bridge now, but another intense feeling came over me, shame. I felt ashamed at what I was going to do. It was getting dark and I thought I will wait until its dark before I do it, so I hid behind the tower so the people in the passing vehicles couldn’t see me. My thoughts were racing, I was scared but I felt it was my only option, not having V felt like my world was about to end. After hiding for 10 minutes a police officer appeared round the corner of the tower. He asked my name. He said he was going to get me help. I don’t remember much else. There was a police van waiting up on the road. They got ladders so I could climb from the walk way to the road. They put me in the back of the police van and drove me back to the hospital. I was placed  in the section 136 suite. The policeman and his partner were nice, they said I needed help and I would get it. I didn’t believe them, they had taken V off me, and she was the only person that could help me. I hated them, I hated them all. I still hate them over 2 years later. I was expecting to be set free again soon. I don’t know what I would have done, but it wouldn’t have been good. A psychiatrist and a social worker came in the room. They spoke to me, I don’t recall what they asked or what I said. I didn’t care. They went out the room and about ten minutes later they came back. The doctor spoke a few life changing words which I will never forget. “We are recommending that you be detained under section 2 of the mental health act”. I froze. I was more shocked than I have ever been that I was to be sectioned. Never in my life did I think I would be sectioned, it was just me, a girl with a personality disorder. I froze from the shock. They said another doctor would be along shortly to confirm their recommendations. I couldn’t talk, I didn’t move. The second doctor came, she asked me questions but I couldn’t speak. I hadn’t moved an inch or spoke a word since they told me I was sectioned. The doctor kept on at me, I eventually spoke after some time. She agreed that I be sectioned. I said I didn’t want to go back to the ward as I hated the doctor and the nurses there. She said it was the only place I could go. I went on the ward and they took everything off me. My belt, my chain, my bag. The nurse said it was different now I was sectioned, I couldn’t have these things now. My life changed this day. I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t of been sectioned. But I guess I’ll never know.


Brokenmind
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My first blog

So this is my first blog o_0


I will start by telling you a little about myself and what i hope to blog about. Well i am a 24 year old female diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. In November 2009 just after my 22nd birthday i was sectioned under the mental health act. I spent 6 months on a NHS psychiatric intensive care unit before being transferred to a private hospital and being placed in a specialist personality disorder unit. I spent 18 months there and hated it, it was well and truely hellish. I was discharged on my 24th birthday some 2 years after being sectioned.
I must admit though, before hospital my life was a chaotic mess. i was away from home studying at university for a psychology degree and my life consisted of alcohol, cannabis, repeated admissions to A&E for self harm and cherished visits to my CPN. I suppose things got too much, i became seriously over attached to my CPN and fell in love with her in a way. I wanted to be rescued by her, things were just too bad and i couldn't control my emotions. Everyday i wanted to die i hated myself so much, yet on the surface to most people i was "normal". I kept a journal in the couple of months leading to my detention. My friend admitted to reading it when i asked her to bring it in to hospital. She stated that she had no idea that is how i felt and was scared by the things i had written. This journal got "lost" somewhere in hospital which I'm absolutely gutted about.
Hospital was a nightmare but i will blog about that another time. I have changed since hospital. For the better and worse. Anyhow i hope to blog about my past experiences of BPD, hospital, the present and what i hope for the future. I hope you enjoy reading and that i am not too boring. Whether you are a BPD suffer, a person with other mental health problems or a lucky sod who falls in the realms of "normality" i hope that you will gain something from my blog and the bad (and good) things I've been through.


thanks for reading
brokenmind_


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