Hospital Part 2: What Happened While There

This is my long overdue blog post about what happened in hospital.

      So I reluctantly agreed to an informal admission and was admitted to an open acute ward. I was placed on level 2 observations which is line of sight. I still hadn’t slept due to being in the cells all night. I was still quite distressed and PRN medication of haloperidol and lorazepam wasn’t helping.  At some point I smashed my head against a window and broke it. I got in trouble for that and was warned if I continued they’d get me assessed under the mental health act and sent to the PICU (psychiatric intensive care unit).  The doctor wrote me up for more medication and I finally went for some sleep. Later on at tea time I secreted a knife from the dining room and stabbed at my arms with it. I was really in state of mind where I just wanted to hurt myself. The day after I requested to leave and was instead detained under a section 5(2). I lost the plot and smashed another window with my head. This time it was the observation window of my bedroom door and the whole window came out so I slashed my arms with some of the glass. This time I was moved to the PICU.

                The PICU wasn’t much better, I was still significantly mentally unstable and after ward round the day after I moved to the PICU I started banging my head against the exit door. I was restrained and dragged down to the extra care unit where I was given an intramuscular injection of what I think was lorazepam. Days went by of me just lying in my bed depressed and then I would become agitated quite badly due to the frustration of it all. I was taking PRN of lorazepam and haloperidol quite frequently. The first week and a bit was all a blur of bed and PRN medication. The only thing I really remember is that on the Wednesday (I was moved to the PICU on the Sunday) my community consultant psychiatrist and CPN came to the ward. My community consultant and ward consultant then told me I was placed on a section 2. I got up and left the room where without even doing anything I was restrained. I was dragged to the extra care unit again. I don’t think I was given an injection this time. My CPN later told me this had upset her to see me like that and that she wanted to come and see me before she left but they wouldn’t let her as I was still in restraint down the extra care unit.

                I pretty much didn’t leave my room for a week and a half except at meal times and cigarette times. I was still on level 2 observations so I had someone with me at all times. One night I was lying in bed and I got told off for picking at my arms. So I hid under the cover and did it. The nurse then took my cover away. I don’t know why but this pissed me off big time. I remember thinking fuck you so I grabbed a pen and stabbed at my arms a few times before being restrained again.  They decided they were going to “sterilise” my room. This meant they took everything and I mean everything out of my room they even removed my sanitary products.  My bed covers were also taken and I was left with just one of those seclusion blankets. This was all done in a matter of minutes while I was in restraint on my bed. There was this nurse who was fairly nice if you were fine but if you got unwell and did something she spoke to you like shit. She said something that upset me so I tried to kick her. They threatened seclusion but never followed through with it.

                The day after was ward round again and I was reduced from level 2 observations to level 3 observations which meant I was just on 15 minute random checks instead of somebody with me constantly. Without the support of that nurse with me constantly I struggled that afternoon. I decided stupidly I was going to break out. I ran down the corridor and straight into the exit door. It hurt quite a lot but it didn’t break. I was restrained and dragged to my room where I was given 2 injections. After this incident I decided I really needed to hold it together for my tribunal I had applied for. I knew if I continued I wouldn’t win it and I wanted to get out so badly. So I tried hard. I started coming out of my room and engaging with other patients. There were a few patients I could talk to but a lot were very unwell and you couldn’t really engage with them. I started approaching staff when I needed to talk and requesting PRN when I needed it. I started writing a few poems to help me deal with my emotions. After a few days I was given 15 minutes escorted grounds leave. It was good to get out for a little walk. I got to go out 2-3 times a day and it really helped just to get out for that little while. In the end it turned out that the holding it together for the tribunal lead to me actually becoming well again. I went from spending all day in my room to spending all day out of my room doing stuff in the space of a week. I was happy and well again.

By the time it got to my tribunal I was almost certain they had to let me go as I had done so well. My solicitor thought I had a good chance too. When it came to my tribunal only the psychiatrist was against my discharge. The nursing staff said I was ready and they gave me a glowing report about how well I was. My CPN said I was ready for discharge too and agreed with me that the crisis was over and that hospital now was counter-productive. As it was ward round day the consultant couldn’t make the tribunal so the staff grade doctor was sent to do it. It was his first tribunal and without trying to be mean he was absolutely shocking. The tribunal panel ate him alive it was actually quite uncomfortable to watch. Even my CPN made a comment about him squirming in his seat and being terrible afterwards. I won my tribunal and they panel made comment about how well I had come across to them. They discharged me from my section on the agreement I stay informally until the day after so I could have my forensic assessment that had already been arranged.

I was buzzing after my tribunal. I was so happy I would be getting out of there. Technically I could have left but I stayed as agreed until the next day. The forensic psychiatrist who assessed me basically said the assessment was pointless now I had been discharged from my section. But we went ahead with it. Some sensitive issues were discussed but I didn’t let them effect me as I was just so happy to be getting out of hospital. After the assessment I waited for my sister to come pick me up and I left. It was such a huge relief. I walked out of that hospital with the biggest smile on my face.  I never want to go into hospital again.

Brokenmind

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