I am desperately unhappy. Unhappy with myself, with my
situation and with life in general. I hate who I am and what I’ve become. I am
angry, mainly with myself but at others too. How could I let myself get into
this situation? How could others put me in this situation? I fucking hate
everything but I think it’s more about unhappiness than hate.
What am
I unhappy about you might ask? I am unhappy about my existence and who I am
now. I live in this flat on my own, I am a nobody, I have no identity, I am
stuck in this post-hospital limbo and this makes me sad. The only thing that
makes me feel better is spending money I haven’t earned and don’t deserve. I am
going nowhere, everything is a mess and I don’t know what to do. Well maybe I
have ideas but hospital has made me such a pathetic person who is so scared to
do things.
Sometimes I wonder I wonder if I
would be better off how I used to be before hospital. I know things were one
big chaotic mess but I felt different. I can’t decide if how I feel about
things now is better or worse than how I felt before hospital. Perhaps I am
forgetting how bad things were before hospital but I feel there is part of me
missing now. I feel different. I think one of my main issues is my lack of
identity. Even though I was a shit student and everything was messed up, I was
a student. To people who didn’t know me well this made me something. I felt I
was something. Now I am a nothing, a nobody. I have the negative label of
having 2 years spent under section and I live of welfare benefits. I hate it, it makes me so unhappy.
How do I get out of this
situation when now I am so fearful of everything? I sometimes wonder whether
death is the only way out. Although now I don’t think I could end my life
myself, my courage for things like that has gone. So therefore I am trapped. Last
night while I was wasted I spoke a little bit about my unhappiness to my
friend, she didn’t realise how I felt. The last time I saw one of my CPNs I
tried explaining but I don’t think she quite got it. Things are messed up with
my CPNs which don’t help. I really don’t know where I stand with them and I’ve
had no support in the last 2 weeks. It’s these last 2 weeks when my unhappiness
has got worse and I have had nobody to discuss it with. Having 2 CPNs is
difficult because you never have regular appointments and until they call you
you’ve no idea when you are seeing them next. Then they fob you off with the
fact they have been busy and don’t see you for 2 weeks. Come on guys I’ve been
out of hospital little over 2 months I really think I deserve more. I am going
on a tangent here. My lack of CPN support and the fact I feel let down isn’t really
the issue here.
What is the issue is that I feel
so unhappy and trapped in this rubbish situation. I don’t understand how I can
move on from this. I feel my life is ruined after having being detained for 2
years. It’s my fault too or maybe is it the fault of this fucked up mental
health system? I switch between blaming myself and blaming others. I really
wish I had a gun and some courage or maybe I wish I could erase the past 5
years of my life and start over. Any of those options I would be happy with
because it sure as hell beats all of this shit.
Brokenmind
x
I'm not going to say much because (through my experience) there's not much to say that will help at a time like this.
ReplyDeleteJust know that there are people who are reading this, and are empathizing (as much as is possible - but I firmly believe nobody knows what YOU are feeling but YOU.)
I don't know. I guess it wouldn't do much fucking good to go on about HOW I empathize with you...but I guess I just do. I know what you mean in the 3rd paragraph. When I was a student in Scotland (before also being in hospital, though for not as long)I was a mess. Drinking too much, smoking too much weed, doing fuck all towards a degree I didn't care about at all. I was spending my parents' money with too much thought - the guilt made me spend more to feel better. I was a mess. But somehow happier than I am now, living at home, still drinking too much but without the weed. Not happier. Just different. I yearn to go back to that place.
I guess that's how addiction works - I sometimes think of myself as being addicted to mental illness. Sounds fucking lame, right? But it's what I think, anyway.
Anyway. I don't know what the point of this was. I meant to help you feel a little better but I'm in a dark place, too, which probably means I'm doing the wrong thing in even commenting.
But I guess I want to reiterate that someone is here, reading, who cares.
thanks for your comment i really appreciate it :)
Deletei know what you mean about being addicted to mental illness. maybe its something slong the lines that the chaos msakes you feel alive? i dont know, but i know i miss it sometimes. i think sometimes illness is liberating in a sense (along with degrading) as you a free from the constrsints that life normally inflicts.
and you have helped by commenting. so thanks again
brokenmind
x
I can relate. I have borderline personality disorder and I find it extremely hard to keep a good relationship with my friends, boyfriend and family. I'm always so negative and "pissed off". I blame all my anger on irrelevant things and I apparently start arguments for the sake of not being bored. I don't like being angry all the time, I wish I could be happy and smile and not worry about small things. Anyway, I just want you to know that you're not alone. What helps me get through the day is remembering the possibilities that tomorrow can bring. Not everyday has to be a bad one.
ReplyDelete-chels