The day i was sectioned

This is something I wrote on my laptop a month or so ago. I thought i would share.

I had been an informal patient on a psyc assessment unit for 3 days after self harming. This particular day I had a meeting, in this meeting they told me they were discharging me. They said V would no longer be my cpn and that the crisis team would see me for a few days.  Well taking V off me felt like the end of the world, I just flipped. Also at the fact of seeing crisis team as they were one of the reasons I self harmed in the first place and ended up in hospital. I flipped and flew into a rage. I walked out the room ripped of my bandages, I then proceeded to go into the garden and rub mud into my very open wounds. I walked out off the ward and out the hospital in a rage. What was going through my mind? Well I thought I couldn’t cope without V, I wanted to die, the feeling was intense, probably the most intense feeling I have ever felt. I was angry, angrier than ever before. The Humber Bridge was my only thought. I set of there. I stopped at the shop for some cigarettes, I’ll never forget the look on the shopkeepers face when I handed my money over with my mud smothered wounds on show. The walk was about 5-6 miles. I was tired from not sleeping, I was thirsty from not drinking, but I kept going. I kept the bridge focussed in my mind. How that when I get there I will be free. This was the final straw. When I got there I had a cigarette to calm me down. I tried to think clearly but I couldn’t. My head was a mess, I needed V, but she was gone. Then my phone started ringing, it was someone from the community mental health team suggesting I see the crisis team. It was beyond that, much beyond that. I said no and hung up. I was on the bridge now, but another intense feeling came over me, shame. I felt ashamed at what I was going to do. It was getting dark and I thought I will wait until its dark before I do it, so I hid behind the tower so the people in the passing vehicles couldn’t see me. My thoughts were racing, I was scared but I felt it was my only option, not having V felt like my world was about to end. After hiding for 10 minutes a police officer appeared round the corner of the tower. He asked my name. He said he was going to get me help. I don’t remember much else. There was a police van waiting up on the road. They got ladders so I could climb from the walk way to the road. They put me in the back of the police van and drove me back to the hospital. I was placed  in the section 136 suite. The policeman and his partner were nice, they said I needed help and I would get it. I didn’t believe them, they had taken V off me, and she was the only person that could help me. I hated them, I hated them all. I still hate them over 2 years later. I was expecting to be set free again soon. I don’t know what I would have done, but it wouldn’t have been good. A psychiatrist and a social worker came in the room. They spoke to me, I don’t recall what they asked or what I said. I didn’t care. They went out the room and about ten minutes later they came back. The doctor spoke a few life changing words which I will never forget. “We are recommending that you be detained under section 2 of the mental health act”. I froze. I was more shocked than I have ever been that I was to be sectioned. Never in my life did I think I would be sectioned, it was just me, a girl with a personality disorder. I froze from the shock. They said another doctor would be along shortly to confirm their recommendations. I couldn’t talk, I didn’t move. The second doctor came, she asked me questions but I couldn’t speak. I hadn’t moved an inch or spoke a word since they told me I was sectioned. The doctor kept on at me, I eventually spoke after some time. She agreed that I be sectioned. I said I didn’t want to go back to the ward as I hated the doctor and the nurses there. She said it was the only place I could go. I went on the ward and they took everything off me. My belt, my chain, my bag. The nurse said it was different now I was sectioned, I couldn’t have these things now. My life changed this day. I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t of been sectioned. But I guess I’ll never know.


Brokenmind
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