Hospital Overview (part 2)

Ok so time for part 2 of my hospital blog. It took me a while to get around to writing it.

On the 10^th of May 2010 I was transferred from the PICU to a private hospital. I was placed on a specialist personality disorder unit. I remember having high expectations of the place but I was majorly disappointed when I arrived. There wasn’t much to it to be honest, I walked on to the ward into this really crappy looking communal area. I was shown to my room and I remember thinking where is the rest of it? It was a very small and claustrophobic place. I was immediately placed on 1:1 observations so they could monitor me to see how I was settling in. I’d never been on 1:1s before except briefly after periods in seclusion at my last hospital. I was on 1:1s for 3 days which I didn’t mind so much because I was scared about the other patients around me as I didn’t know them. It was hell this new hospital. There was nothing to do, so many people to get used to and it was much stricter. We could only smoke once every 2 hours and I spent most my time laying on my bed staring at the wall counting down to the next cigarette time. I will never forget how hellish it was those first few months. I was numb from risperidone as it was but the place numbed me out further.

                I immediately got a solicitor to help me challenge my section and everyday I obsessed over getting out, it was all I could ever think about. Hate is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt about the place. I felt like I was trapped in hell. A couple of months went by and one day I got my results from the staff grade psychiatrist on the IPDE (international personality disorder examination). I received a definite diagnosis for borderline, avoidant and anti-social personality disorders along with “traits” of schizoid personality disorder. I had a very big problem with the anti-social personality disorder diagnosis. I started to obsess over the fact I was a psychopath as I thought that is what it meant. I went to my room afterwards and lost it. I ended up in restraint. I felt so terribly guilty afterwards that I really wanted to hurt myself. I sat in my bathroom and noticed my hair removal cream. I ingested some of it. I’m not sure how because it was vile but I guess it shows what state of mind I was in. My lips swelled and my throat burned and I was taken to general hospital by ambulance. I was escorted by 3 nurses, a bit excessive if you ask me but then again that hospital was always excessive. I spent the night in hospital for observations after a clear chest x-ray and made numerous attempts to run away. The day after I was taken back to the ward.

                My first tribunal occurred in august, I was unsuccessful. A couple months went by and I was taken of my risperidone. I suddenly started to feel again. I was high practically all of the time. I went from being a quiet, shy and introverted patient to exceptionally loud and extroverted. I danced, sang and was generally “off on one” around the ward. But the crash had to come and it did. On our way out to cigarette time I a bit too overenthusiastically booted the office door. I was informed I wouldn’t be able to go out for this cigarette. I lost it ended up in restraint. Later on I started stabling myself with a pen and ended up in restraint again. I ended up on 2:1 observations for my own and others protection. This was the first time I had ever been “line of sight” in the bathroom. It is the most degrading thing to experience. People watching you take a shit and having a shower. It was December by this time and I remained off and on 2:1 observations throughout the month and into January. I remember being so fucked up in my head I once cried out for my mum to rescue me. The nurses doped me up on clopixol and lorazepam even though it was PRN and oral they insisted I took it. I had some Pringles wrapped up from my mother for Christmas which I somehow got through as they were contraband. I self harmed with the metal base, it cut like a fine razor. I was very messed up during this period. I think probably my worst period of mental instability. I could write a lot more of what happened but I think I have written enough.

                As I came out of this period I started to progress quite quickly. I think being so low in December made me put things in perspective. I was doing so well I got my section 17 escorted leave back. I had another tribunal at the end of January and was once against unsuccessful however they did make a recommendation for “shadowed leave” which should progress onto unescorted leave. The shadowed leave went well and by May I was granted unescorted leave. The place was still hell and I wanted out but it was slightly more bearable now I could get out on my own. My unescorted leave increased relatively quickly for that hospital which was notorious for being overly cautious. I had a few “incidents” over the months but nothing major. I had another tribunal set for the end of august but due to lack of accommodation me and my solicitor decided to ask for an adjournment until this was sorted. It was adjourned until 4^th of November. Luckily a couple of weeks before my tribunal I was accepted for accommodation. I was told I could move in on the 7^th of November. At my section 117 meeting my consultant agreed to discharge me on the 7^th anyway so I cancelled my tribunal.

                That was basically my time spent on the personality disorder unit. I could write forever about all the stuff that happened and such but this is just a brief overview with the important bits. I’m sure in time I will probably blog about certain incidents. Boring this post I know.

Brokenmind

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