Big Decision

I have always dreamt of having access to this medication. Enough medication to easily kill me. Faced with this opportunity I am now scared. I have spent many hours and days daydreaming about suicide in my life. Sometimes I have felt like making a dramatic exit such as throwing myself from the Humber Bridge. This has always been a dream of mine and I have toyed with the idea on many occasions. I have indeed been removed by the police on two occasions. But I think deep down I have always wanted an easier way out such as an overdose. I have taken a few overdoses in the half-hearted suicide attempt way, really just wanting to stop the pain and not truly wanting to die. I have dreamt of having access to lots of medication, taking them all and not waking up. I have never had that opportunity before.  But now I do. I have always wanted this, always. Now faced with this opportunity I am unsure if I want to die. I have my bad times, they come and go. I feel suicidal at times, it comes and goes. History has a way of repeating itself and on that basis I know I will have bad times and feel suicidal not just once more but on many occasions in the future. Do I just put an end to all that now while I have the chance?

I’ve not been having the best time lately but I’ve not been at my worst. I have had suicidal thoughts however, only last night while laying in bed pre-sleep I decided I was going home today to kill myself. Well I couldn’t go home and now I am back at my sisters where I am being confronted with this opportunity. Maybe fate has brought me to this opportunity. Maybe these circumstances are a way of the world telling me it is my time to go. Maybe it is fate that took my sister in to hospital and she got given all these medications. Maybe it is fate that my bathroom isn’t completed yet and I’ve had to come back to my sisters for the weekend. Maybe its fate that is taking my sister and the kids away for the night tomorrow so I will be left alone for the night with all this medication.  There are a lot of things there that fall into place perfectly for me to commit suicide. I am sure someone or something somewhere is saying that suicide is what I should do. I don’t normally believe in destiny but maybe to kill myself tomorrow is my destiny.

I have no life and I do not see a life for myself anymore. I definitely feel a high degree of hopelessness.  I am unsure if I can continue living like this when I know that the future holds more turmoil. If I do not kill myself tomorrow will I only end up killing myself in the future? If that is the case then why do I just not save myself the agony of living a few more years and do it tomorrow? I do not see the prognosis for me as being good. I have such a strong hate towards myself that I doubt I can overcome it. I have no real reason for being like this, no dark secret that if I talk about it I will feel better and recover. All this is my own fault and perhaps I do not deserve life. Sometimes I wish I could bottle up life. I wish I could take the life I had in me and give it to someone who deserves it. Somebody who will make better use of this so called “gift” of life.

I suppose it is a case of will I or won’t I. Part of me really wants to but part of me is scared too. I am not going to make a rash impulsive decision. Ending your life should be thought through carefully. Here is one of my favourite quotes from the girl, interrupted book “Suicide is a form of murder - premeditated murder. It isn't something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.”  For the first time in my life I have the means and the opportunity but perhaps the motive is lacking slightly. Usually all I have is a strong motive. There is a motive there though and for once it isn’t a really intense and short lasting motive. It is more of a rational, thought about motive that I have come about after weighing up my life and my possible outcomes. I am unsure if the motive is strong enough at the moment. I really have some thinking to do over the next 24 hour period.

Brokemind

 x